學生雅思作文評價及批改示例

Task: Someone believes that a taxpayer has done his part as a citizen. However, someone believes that a citizen should assume other responsibilities. Discuss both views and present your opinion.

（1）It is observed that paying tax has become the obligation of every citizen. Money collected from people plays a great part in the development of the whole society. （2）While other people voice that there exists other responsibilities one should take of the society as a whole. （3）On my account, both sizes of question always appear to have so much merit.

首段綜評：從語法與詞匯兩個方面來說，（1）部分的引題還算成功。但是，其后（2）部分的“while other people voice that"則顯得很突兀，因為之前并沒有與之相對應的“一些人”。隨后的（3）部分中所用到的句式則非常奇怪。

（4）First of all, tax is one of the most important element to maintain economy balanced. Taxes program a critical function in one country’s development. Social welfare, constructions and various undertakings depend much on the fund of taxes. So money originated from taxpayers is used on themselves.
　　（5）Thanks to people’s regular payments, poverty population’s lowest living condition can be preserved and improved. Poor people are able to be treated in hospital when they are ill. Besides, finance departments plan the whole year’s budgets according to the quantity of tax revenue.

二段綜述：（4）（5）的基本邏輯關系為：概述+ 詳述。（4）部分包含三個自然句，其間出現(xiàn)了纏繞的論證，這是英文寫作中的大忌。（5）部分也出現(xiàn)了相同問題。

建議修改：It is out of question that taxation mechanism is a keystone, upon which economic development is sustained and social undertakings are assured. （本段主題句）For example（舉例）, optimizing the revenue collected from taxation system, governments have infrastructure ameliorated and cater for various civilians' needs. As a result（結果）, the public, irrespective of their backgrounds, can have the opportunities of public hospitalization, personal enrichment, and promotion. （從范文中摘抄）

What is more, what we should do for our country is far more than paying tax.(Nevertheless, people ought to make more commitment to society than taxpaying) For instance, human activities exert adverse influence on our globe these years, and everyone assumes the responsible to build environmental friendly society.
　　Further more (Furthermore), science plays a significant role in pushing social development. Every discovery or invention has its special meaning for specialized field’s advancement. People should be encouraged to do their outmost to make more contributions to science and culture career for their country.

第三段評價：下劃線部分共表達了兩個核心思想：環(huán)境保護+ 科學（文化）發(fā)展。構思頗具匠心。然而，本文所論證的為“公民責任”，但這兩個核心思想的表述在“主語選擇”上卻偏離了這個重心，在此方面可以注意。

In the final analysis, advancement of society appeals to people’s united power. We not only make progress by means of taxes(taxation), but also utilize other multitudinous ways to reach the goal of creating harmonious communities. Better life depends on people’s contribution of different aspects.

綜合評價：此學生是非�？炭嗾J真的學生，在課堂上積累了很多的詞匯句型等。思路上也力求創(chuàng)新深刻。但問題是在追求詞匯和句子難度的同時忽略了寫作的邏輯，導致文章邏輯纏繞，有些晦澀難懂。

改進建議：
　　1. 加強論證中的直線思維；
　　2. 加強連詞；
　　3. 注重細節(jié)，避免語法錯誤...everyone assumes the responsible（responsibility） to build environmental friendly society.

暑期雅思、托福學習課程

現(xiàn)在報讀新通暑假班，并在課程結束后三個月內(nèi)考出成績刷新學霸記錄，即可獲得新通學霸獎學金。此外，現(xiàn)在報名暑假班，還能享受最高減免7000元的折扣優(yōu)惠。