托福寫作詞句分析（二）

Original: Young people tend to think that real life is as nice and interesting as it is in the novels and movies, while more experienced adults think this kind of naive daydream will only be destroyed by later experiences and every one should learn to get used to common everyday life.

Revised: Young people tend to think that real life is as dramatic and fascinating as it is in the novels and movies, while more experienced adults think this kind of naive daydream will only be destroyed by later experiences and every one should learn to get used to tedious everyday life.

亮點(diǎn)評析

nice，interesting，common都屬于普通詞匯，用到句子中也顯得平淡蒼白。nice的意思是“好的，令人愉快的”，interesting是“有趣的”，這兩個(gè)詞都不能準(zhǔn)確地描繪出年輕人所憧憬的美好生活，句中想表達(dá)的是年輕人認(rèn)為生活如同小說、電影一般充滿戲劇變化，激動人心，要體現(xiàn)這層含義應(yīng)該用dramatic，fascinating。

dramatic表示“刺激的，戲劇性的，給人深刻印象的”，fascinating表示“具有強(qiáng)烈吸引力的，迷人的，使人神魂顛倒的”，這兩個(gè)詞的程度要比nice，interesting深得多，表現(xiàn)力也更強(qiáng)。原句用common表達(dá)實(shí)際的現(xiàn)實(shí)生活的枯燥無味是不準(zhǔn)確的，common的意思是“普通的，平常的”，普通平常的東西不一定是枯燥的，tedious是表示“(因過長、過慢或單調(diào))令人厭倦的，煩人的”，恰好傳達(dá)出現(xiàn)實(shí)生活由于瑣碎和重復(fù)而變得索然無味這種含義。

Original: You should compete to live in this society.
　　Revised: You should compete for survival; otherwise, you will be thrown out of the tide of society.

亮點(diǎn)評析

原句平平淡淡，只是告訴人們要在社會立足，必須競爭，但這樣一句簡單的勸告似乎缺乏說服力，修改后的句子用了compete for survival，為了生存而競爭，而且后面又添加了一個(gè)并列分句，補(bǔ)充說明了如果不compete的后果就是be thrown out of the tide of society，被社會的浪潮所淘汰，使用這些更加具體深刻的詞匯能夠形象生動地表現(xiàn)出競爭的慘烈。

Original: I really believe that smoking is harmful to people’s health.
　　Revised: I have a profound conviction that smoking is harmful to people’s health.

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亮點(diǎn)評析

conviction的意思是“堅(jiān)定的看法或信仰”，have a profound conclusion表示對某種看法深信不疑，作文中提出觀點(diǎn)的句子用have a profound conclusion會比用believe態(tài)度更堅(jiān)決，立場更鮮明，而且believe這個(gè)詞非常簡單，是英語初學(xué)者就應(yīng)掌握的詞匯，換成have a profound conclusion立即增加了句子的復(fù)雜程度，體現(xiàn)了較強(qiáng)的語言運(yùn)用能力。類似的提出觀點(diǎn)的表達(dá)還有：
　　I hold a point of view that…
　　I hold the opinion that… 　　

Original: We know that sometimes success is measured by how much money you earn.
　　Revised: It does not surprise us to discover that sometimes success is measured in terms of the money you earn.

亮點(diǎn)評析

如上句的believe一樣，know也是非常初級的詞匯，作文中出現(xiàn)I believe that…，I know that…這樣的表達(dá)只能體現(xiàn)考生寫作技巧的稚嫩，用It does not surprise us to discover that…替換We know that…并沒有改變原句的含義，卻使全句頓時(shí)增添了亮點(diǎn)。

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